


Meme thing

by lornrocks



Category: Alice (2009), Fandom: Heroes, House M.D., Sherlock Holmes (Downey films), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Watchmen (2009)
Genre: Crack, Fighting, Fingering, Gen, Inside jokes, Jealousy, M/M, Meme, Meta, Pairings, Sex, Threesome, characters, crossovers, dub con sex, friendly reminder i love peter, gen - Freeform, i may have changed a lot since then, references to self harm, these were written like four years ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 04:45:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lornrocks/pseuds/lornrocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have no idea. Crack. So much crack. And this was written like four years ago, so I've changed a lot. If there is anything offensive...I apologize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meme thing

1\. Peter Petrelli  
2\. Sylar  
3\. Hatter  
4\. Kirk  
5\. Spock  
6\. Bones  
7\. Mohinder  
8\. The Comedian  
9\. Sherlock Holmes  
10\. House

**A. Four invites 3 and 8 to dinner at their house. What happens?**

Jim Kirk's not entirely sure how this happened. First, there was some sort of...anomaly or something, that caused these people from the past, or other dimensions...he's not sure...to show up on the Enterprise.

So, he does what any good Captain does: He invites them to have dinner with him.

Two things immediately come to light.

The first: Jim's not the only sex-crazed lothario on board, anymore.

The second?

His guests, known simply as Hatter and The Comedian, are most certainly down to fuck.

That's how Jim Kirk ends up sandwiched between his two lovely guests. The Comedian's got him bent over his desk, and it's the same desk he had thrown Hatter on to just a second ago. He works his tongue down Hatter's chest as he works the buttons of that god-awful paisley shirt.

Meanwhile, the Comedian has roughly pulled down his slacks and was working some fingers inside his ass.

Jim muses dryly that their dinner is getting cold, but decides he doesn't care, once he's filled to the brim with the Comedian. He gets to Hatter's pants, slides them down, and presses their hips together.

After that, things start to get fuzzy, but Jim does remember the mind-blowing orgasm he gets from the dual sensations. He lays his head across Hatter's chest, and notices that the man kept his hat on the whole time.

Of course he did.

Jim closes his eyes and tries to regain his breath. Vaguely, he feels the Comedian pulling out of him and hears the sound of a zipper pulling up.

There's the sound of a match being lit, the smell of a cigar, and a gruff voice saying, "Now that's what I call hospitality."

Jim groans.

Not again.

**B. Nine tries to get five to go to a strip club.**

When Spock found out that the man he was talking to was in fact the infamous Sherlock Holmes, he could not believe his luck.

This man was a genius, even if he was once considered to be fictional. Spock couldn't wait to ask him all sorts of questions.

But, of course, the first thing this man wanted to do was...go to a "strip club".

Spock is flabbergasted.

"Are you serious?" he asks.

Holmes shrugs and takes another puff off his pipe.

"I don't see what's wrong with a little fun."

Spock shifts and tries not to clench his hands behind his back.

"I find the whole affair to be degrading and unnecessary."

The other man laughs.

"It's not that bad." He pauses, thinks for a minute, and starts again. "You like science, am I right?"

Spock nods.

"Well, think of this as a...science experiment, of sorts."

"I do not follow..."

"Perhaps the reason you do not enjoy burlesque clubs are because you have not had a good experience in one. Perhaps you need to repeat your experiment. Do you catch my meaning?"

The Vulcan's brow furrows as he thinks.

"Your logic is sound, Mr. Holmes."

Leave it to Sherlock Holmes to be the one man who can convince Spock of Vulcan to go to a strip club.

Jim would be so mad.

**C. You need to stay at a friend's house for the night. Who do you choose, one or six?**

Let's see, if I choose 1 (Peter Petrelli), then I would have no couch to sleep on....meaning I'd get to sleep in his bed with him. Now, provided he's washed his hair and hasn't been an emo kid, I'd say that is one hell of a night. I could also get Sylar to join us, if you know what I mean.

But with Peter I'd always have to worry about shit going down.

With Bones I'd have to deal with him being a grump, but he'd be a nice guy to me cause he's a gentleman, and so then I could just hang out with him and make fun of Jim Kirk for being dumb.

Either way, sexytimes are gonna occur.

**D. Two and Ten are making out. Ten walks in. What is their reaction?**

When Sylar found out where that no good Hiro Nakamura put Mohinder, he decided he was going to finally get the revenge for that stupid incident in Mohinder's apartment.

Unfortunately for him, the revenge he had in mind may or may not have involved dubious consent sex.

So he's straddling a strait jacketed Mohinder and kissing the life out of him, and some guy with a cane happens to open the door.

He's wearing sneakers and has a scruffy gray beard.

There is a long, long, awkward pause.

"I feel like I should stop this," he says, but adds, "But fortunately for you guys, I don't care. Carry on."

And then he leaves.

Well, alright.

**E. Three is in love with six. Eight is jealous. What happens?**

After their rendevouz with the Captain, Hatter and the Comedian wander around the ship for awhile. Even though the guy with the pointy ears keeps complaining that it violates some "Prime Directive". Whatever.

They run into some grumpy guy in a blue shirt.

"Get outta my way, that damned fool got himself hurt again," he barks, and stomps down the hallway.

The Comedian frowns.

"What crawled up his ass and died?" he asks, but Hatter isn't listening. He's too busy staring awestruck at the beautiful god that just passed them.

The next few days pass quickly, with Hatter following Bones around like a lost puppy and The Comedian pouting in the corner.

Jim notices and pulls the Comedian aside.

"What's your problem?" He asks. "If there's something I can do, let me know."

There's a pause as the former vigilante considers this.

"You want me to help make that guy with the top hat jealous? He keeps hitting on that doctor friend of yours."

Jim's eyes widen and he whirls around to stare.

"That bitch," he whispers in disbelief.

And so, that's how Edward Blake and Jim Kirk end up "accidentally" making out and fondling each other right in front of Leonard McCoy's doorway.

So Hatter and Bones come waltzing down the hallway and see what's going on and the next thing Eddie knows, he's being socked in the face by a very angry doctor.

"Stay away from him, you bastard!" Bones yells, socking him again.

Jim turns to Hatter.

"What makes you think you can just steal away my Bones?" he yells, shoving Hatter.

Hatter slams against a wall. His hat falls off. He looks down at it, looks at Jim and says, "Bitch, I'm from the streets."

So a giant brawl erupts in the middle of Deck Three and the security team that gets called have absolutely NO idea what the fuck to do about it.

Luckily, Scotty gets the brilliant idea to beam the intruders away and everything is right again.

Maybe.

**F. Four jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue, Ten, two or seven?**

So wait, James T. Kirk is jumping me in a dark alleyway? The only way I'd want someone to "rescue" me is if they join me. Heyooo.

So, let's see, House wouldn't rescue me or "rescue" me, because he's a whiny bitch who likes leading Wilson on while fawning over Cuddy.

Sylar wouldn't rescue me but I think he might join in on "rescuing" me because he'd want to get all up in Jim's grill for reasons he doesn't understand. *cough*

Moho might save me, but he wouldn't join. He's too much of an emo kid. But damn, is he sexy.

**G. One decides to start a cooking show. Fifteen minutes later, what is happening?**

Well, first he'd start making food but then he'd be all "NATHAN USED TO LIKE THIS" and start crying into the mix, which is gross. Then Matt Parkman would be all PETER YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS

And he'd be all FUCK YOU

And Emma'd be all HEY PETER WANT TO-

And he'd be like FUCK YOU

And Samuel'd be all HEY PETER WANT TO JOIN THE CARNIVAL?

And he'd be all YOUR CARNIVAL KILLED MY BROTHER!

And Samuel'd be all That doesn't make any sense...

And then Peter would grab a kitchen knife and start cutting himself, and Claire would bust in and be all

CUT IT THE FUCK OUT

And make him heal

And then Sylar'd be all SEX NOW?

And Peter would be all ON THE COUNTERTOPS BABY

The end.

**H. Three has to marry either eight, four, or nine. Who do they chose?**

Hatter, who was accidentally beamed on to some random planet with The Comedian and Kirk, come across Spock talking to a Sherlock Holmes.

Unfortunately for all of them, some random malicious aliens demand that the brightly dressed one marry another one in some ancient ceremony.

And if they don't comply, people will die.

Since Spock doesn't count, apparently, Hatter looks at his choices.

There's The Comedian, who seemed to get in a fight over him, but as far as he knows, is a sadistic rapist or something.

There's Jim Kirk, Captain of some Starship and possibly in love with the doctor on his ship.

And some guy he doesn't recognize.

"Who are you?" he asks.

"Sherlock Holmes," the man says, taking a swig from some flask.

Hatter nods. He's heard of him.

Well, let's see, seeing as how he's already had sex with two of them?

"I pick you," he says, and tries to ignore the groans behind him.

**I. Seven kidnaps two and demands something from five for two's release. What is it?**

Mohinder holds the gun to the back of Sylar's head.

"Give me the antidote or I will kill him," he warns.

The man with the pointy ears, the one who looks exactly like Sylar but with weird eyebrows and weird ears, stares at him impassively.

His dark eyes are calculating things, though. Mohinder can tell this.

"I believe that even if I give you what you are seeking, you will kill the hostage regardless," he says, calmly.

Sylar's looking at the man who looks like him and tries to control the ticking in his head. He can tell this man has some ability he wants. He can read minds.

Oh, Sylar wants it.

"Help me," he tries. The pointy eared man, Spock, thinks again, before speaking.

"GIve me the hostage, let me get him somewhere safe, and I will guarantee you get what you seek."

Mohinder looks back and forth between the two, swallows, and nods.

FIve minutes later Sylar has been taken away in a beam of light and Mohinder is given the antidote. He can deal with not killing Sylar today. He knows he'll have another chance.

**J. Everyone gangs up on three, does three have a chance in hell?**

Well, let's see, Hatter is one BADASS MOTHERFUCKER, nevermind he's FROM THE STREETS BITCH.

He can kick ass and take names, and he's clever. And shit.

And he's sexy.

If Peter has some ability that could help on his side, he might win, but otherwise, Hatter would kick his ass.

Sylar? Hell no.

Kirk? Well, they both have sloppy, weird fighting styles. I think it'd be hard to tell. If there was a precarious ledge to hang off or if Hatter choked Jim, he could win, but Jim could always phaser Hatter.

Spock? Yeah, no, Spock would probably kick his ass, too.

I have NO idea about Bones. Let's say yes.

Mohinder is super strong and fast, so I'd say no.

The Comedian, maybe, provided neither of them have guns. So if it's hand to hand, well, the Comedian is quite a bit bigger, so he might have the upper hand there.

According to Guy Ritchie, Sherlock Holmes is also from the streets, so they'd have a good old fashioned British brawl and shit would go down but they'd call it a truce and go get drunk.

House? Nope, Hatter would kick that guy's ass.

**K. Everyone is invited to two and ten's wedding, except for eight. How do they react?**

Well the fact that Sylar and House would ever get married is flabbergasting. I'm pretty sure they'd outsnark each other and then Sylar would kill House and steal his smartness.

So I think that The Comedian would just go get drunk or something.

**L. Why is six afraid of seven?**

CAUSE SEVEN EIGHT NINE. HA HA HA.

But seriously.

Uh.

I think Spock would only be afraid of Bones if Bones hyposprayed him to death. Or something.

**M. One arrives later for two and ten's wedding. What happens, and why were they late?**

Peter was obviously having sex with Sylar before the wedding cause they're the ones who should get married.

Or at least become fuck buddies.

So House would find out and be all FML and then Wilson would be all HEY HOUSE I LOVE YOU LET'S MAKE OUT?

And House'd be all, yeah, okay.

The end! :D

**N. Five and nine get roaring drunk and end up at your house. What happens?**

Spock and Sherlock Holmes? Ho damn.

Well Spock would probably be a weepy drunk and he'd fall asleep on our couch. (Let's assume Liz and Katy are elsewhere. Mwahahaha.)

So I'd be all OMG SHERLOCK SEX NOW? I HEAR YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL

And he'd be all YES

But then he'd pass out before we got to do it and I'd be all FML.

True story.

**O. Nine murders two's best friend. What does two do to get back at them?**

Sylar has a bestie? I have no idea who that would be.

Let's assume it's that creepy fucking owl from Fourth Kind, because it seems like something Sylar would chill with.

So Sherlock kills it cause he's cool like that and Sylar kills him.

Bummer.

I dunno.

**P. Six and one are in mortal danger. Only one of them can survive. Does six save himself, or one?**

Peter is such a fucking emo kid that he'd let Bones save himself since Bones is an actual doctor and Peter is just a paramedic. Or something?

I'm not sure.

But yeah. Peter is an emo kid.

**Q. Eight and three go camping. For some reason, they forget to bring any food. What do they do?**

What is with them and 8 and 3?

Well I'm pretty sure they'd both go off and steal food from some other campers, and as they roast marshmallows over the fire, they get drunk and tell stories about the girls they love who may or may not love them back.

They'd also trade stories of how badass awesome they are.

Then they'd fall asleep in the tent and may or may not wake up the next morning spooning.

**R. Five is in a car crash and is critically injured. What does nine do?**

Do they even still have cars in the ST universe?

Well I suppose that Sherlock would save Spock. Somehow. I don't know, they're both fucking awesome logical beings.

HE DOES IT WITH LOGIC.

(and opium)

The end?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to LJ.


End file.
